Mourning what never was
May 18th 2007 01:18
I once read somewhere that giving birth can be a bittersweet experience for new mothers. As you say hello and welcome to the beautiful little person you have helped to create, you also have to say goodbye to and mourn the tiny person who has been lost to you forever.
Your little girl is lying in your arms, feeding from your breast, giving you joy with every breath she takes but in the deep dark of the night you remember the little boy who never was. The little boy who died a secret and peaceful death at the precise moment your little girl came into the world.
In this technological world of ultrasounds and prenatal testing, much of the unknown quantity of pregnancy has been taken away. These days we can find out, to a large degree of accuracy, the gender of a unborn baby and even see our tiny creation in three dimensions while still in the womb.
So can this potential knowledge and power change the ephemeral feelings of mourning and loss that can accompany the joyous occasion of childbirth?
I guess, for many mothers it does. If you know for sure that your unborn child is female or male and even have a general idea of what she or he looks like, that unknown element would have been removed … to a degree. Why mourn the little boy who never was, when, in your mind, he never has been and never will be.
I only had a standard two dimensional ultrasound for my baby. Her features are still a mystery to me, as much of a mystery as her personality, likes, dislikes and other traits. I’m around 99% sure that I carry a little girl in the safety of my womb although it’s impossible to be totally certain, however convincing the man who did my ultrasound was. That element of doubt will be there until I meet her (or him) for the first time, however much I think of her as a perfect little girl.
Only a few days to go now, a few days until the estimated due date of May 22. The excitement in our household is mounting rapidly, expectation and anticipation is rife. But in the deep dark still of the night, when I feel my baby move within me and I comfort her with a touch of my hand and a few quietly spoken words, yes, I do occasionally mourn the little boy who will never be. The little boy who was lost when the girl sperm won the race to the egg. The little boy who will fade rapidly from my consciousness when my little girl is finally born.
Pregnancy and childbirth is many things, a bittersweet experience being just one small aspect of the whole amazing time. My baby may be unknown to me (to a large degree) but she is not anonymous and will always be treasured.
Forever.
Your little girl is lying in your arms, feeding from your breast, giving you joy with every breath she takes but in the deep dark of the night you remember the little boy who never was. The little boy who died a secret and peaceful death at the precise moment your little girl came into the world.
In this technological world of ultrasounds and prenatal testing, much of the unknown quantity of pregnancy has been taken away. These days we can find out, to a large degree of accuracy, the gender of a unborn baby and even see our tiny creation in three dimensions while still in the womb.
So can this potential knowledge and power change the ephemeral feelings of mourning and loss that can accompany the joyous occasion of childbirth?
I guess, for many mothers it does. If you know for sure that your unborn child is female or male and even have a general idea of what she or he looks like, that unknown element would have been removed … to a degree. Why mourn the little boy who never was, when, in your mind, he never has been and never will be.
I only had a standard two dimensional ultrasound for my baby. Her features are still a mystery to me, as much of a mystery as her personality, likes, dislikes and other traits. I’m around 99% sure that I carry a little girl in the safety of my womb although it’s impossible to be totally certain, however convincing the man who did my ultrasound was. That element of doubt will be there until I meet her (or him) for the first time, however much I think of her as a perfect little girl.
Only a few days to go now, a few days until the estimated due date of May 22. The excitement in our household is mounting rapidly, expectation and anticipation is rife. But in the deep dark still of the night, when I feel my baby move within me and I comfort her with a touch of my hand and a few quietly spoken words, yes, I do occasionally mourn the little boy who will never be. The little boy who was lost when the girl sperm won the race to the egg. The little boy who will fade rapidly from my consciousness when my little girl is finally born.
Pregnancy and childbirth is many things, a bittersweet experience being just one small aspect of the whole amazing time. My baby may be unknown to me (to a large degree) but she is not anonymous and will always be treasured.
Forever.
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Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
Having never experienced child birth before you have just described a side of it that I could not even imagine. Such amazing beauty and depth.
How exciting that you only have a few more days to go. Even more so that you opted for the general scan rather than the more detailed one... I agree about the mystery of it... makes it that much more exciting I would imagine.
ash
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
The frustration of waiting and my own personal impatience aside, pregnancy and childbirth are beautiful and deep experiences. In fact, for one of the most natural things in the world, childbirth is a contradiction of simplicity and intricate detail and something I wouldn't have missed for the world.
Just a few more days (hopefully) and I'll be proudly showing off the newest member of our family. You're right ... it is very exciting.
Thanks, Ash.
A.
Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
This post...
....don't take this the wrong way but...this post should be an article in a nationally/internationally read magazine or newspaper....
I'm sorry...I'm not able to express the feelings I'm feeling... this is a beautiful post...
Come on down May 22!!!....oh I am so excited!!!....and it's '2' too....
hugs and love my Cara...
Dusk
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
The words 'thank you' seem so insignificant when compared to a compliment like the one you've offered to me. But thank you is all I can think of to say.
Coming from you, a person I respect so very much, and whose writing I admire greatly, I can honestly say that I'll treasure your comment immensely.
22 ... it's a wonderful number ... now someone just has to tell Little Blogette. And this is the only ever time my Bloke is allowed to wish pain on me! Bring it on, I say!
Hugs and love to you too, dear friend, I'm thinking of you.
Cara. xxxx
Comment by Sarah White
coolgirlsar to the rescue
One Too Many Chocolate Bars
Dusk is so right in her comment a beautiful heartwarming post.
I always wondered if there was a different kind of excitement felt between parents who knew the gender of their unborn child and those that didn't when the child was born. With my sister when she had my neice and nepthew everyone knew beforehand the gender and of course there was the excitiment, joy, happiness when they were born but there seemed to be something missing. Maybe it's just my family.
I'm hoping the days to the 22nd speed along fast and I have to agree with the 22nd being a wonderful number and both hubby and the little monkey monster were born on the 22nd. Then we'll have fun posts to read of little blogette's first days.
Take Care and get plenty of rest.
Sarah. xxx
Comment by Portsmouth
This was a beautiful post, and you're quite right a baby is treasured, and remains a treasure to her parents however old she/he gets.
Lots of love as always from Pompey xxxxl
Comment by charliesgirl_992000
Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity
Good Luck with your birth!!
Tammy
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I agree with the other comments.
I had that mourning feeling that you are talking about with my 3rd pregnancy. Simply because I have always wanted 4 children (2 of each) which is a very difficult thing to orchestrate...but because Mr M and I discussed how many children we would have and it was agreed we would stop at 3.
So when I had my 20 week ultrasound and was told I was having a boy I had to reconcile my feelings about only having one daughter. But I would have had to reconcile those feelings anyway whatever sex I was having.
I've also read somewhere (reliable source I know) that mother's go through a mourning period just after they give birth...they mourn not being pregnant anymore...I know I felt that too after my first.
It's 2 days until your due date...can't wait to hear the news of a safe new arrival.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner
what an amazing post...with the advent of modern technology, I think we;'ve taken away some of the aew and mystery surrounding childbirth...
Sure, it may be great to know what color to paint the nursery, but it takes away the element of joyous surprize...
But what a lovely way to put the message forth..
Take care,
Nick
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
You're right about the number 22. I was born on the 22nd as well and it would be lovely to share that with my newest family member.
At the moment, "rest" is my middle name.
Thanks for your comments, Sarah.
A.
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Our children are the most precious of our possessions and should always be treasured, no matter what. Especially that beautiful and talented daughter of yours, of course!!
Take care,
love A. xx
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Thanks for your comment and your kind words of encouragement. Thankfully, for most of us, the mourning is fleeting and soon taken over by happier feelings of joy and love etc.
Hopefully it'll all be happening for me very soon now.
A.
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story and experience.
I also felt a little sadness after giving birth with both of my children and I'm sure that the same feelings of loss and emptiness will happen this time too. It's funny, isn't it, you have this little person inside you, moving around, squashing your bladder, making it impossible to sleep etc etc etc, but after the birth you can, just briefly, wish them back inside again.
I guess that once they're out, you have to start sharing them with everyone else after having them all to yourself for so long.
Thanks for all the support you've given over the past few months.
A. xx
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
So true. I can't wait until my little surprise has finally shown her face ... a very exciting time.
Thanks for stopping by.
A.